just finished twisting my hair and polished off my dinner(international coffee) dont know how many calories because i didnt measure it. 

anyway i love to finish a long day with 2-3 episodes of scrubs. i cant express how much im in love with zach braff. garden state was the best movie ever, i haven’t seen his recent movie yet but eventually i will. 

thank god I’m off work. so far had coffee and 2 graham crackers(60c)
maybe will her a yogurt. I’ve been walking the isle’s of cvs wanting something but I can’t. 1000 cals today

im going crazy inside. i havent felt this depressed in a while and i feel like i cant do anything about it. i hate feeling so alone. i hate it i hate it. im not just saying this. im very much alone. i took 2 hours to reflect today and i cant remember the last time i went out of a friday or saturday. but in order to do that i have to have friends. and im not the one to initiate any relationship or go out and make a complete idiot out of myself; opening up to people. and tbh my “best friend” i believe we are growing apart. we have nothing to talk about just tv shows. thats it. i dose not help she leaves in north dakota. 

im so no happy or content. im stuck in this fat body since i was 17 and havent made progress. and the constant e.d thoughts are nagging at my brain. 

this week im going to do much better(no candy/no carbs/nothing that i will regret eating). im SORRRY if i sound like im bitching or self pitying myself on here a lot. but i dont get to say this to anyone or express how i feel truly to anyone so this is the only place. 

i took a picture of what my thighs look like now and in 4 weeks i will take a progress picture. 

"A woman is not written in braille, you don’t have to touch her to know her."

— Unknown (via quotethat)

eww why the fuck r porn blogs attracted to my blog. get the fuckkkkk outta here

like
i love u. i want your inside me right now. like mentally picturing ur member in my cave
like
about to get my binge on. 
confesssion. i feel like i look “prettier: when i have my hijab on but when its off its like my self esteem thats already at a 0 gose to negative -10. and thatts why i dont let people in or i dont get close to ppl because the all build this anticipation on how my hair is going to look and im just  thinking its just my natural curly hair. no its not long and flowing like fucking rapunzel . and even if i did/want a boyfriend omg i dont even want to think about it. 
i have soooo many issues (body/weight/self esteem/mental/anxiety/my eating disorder) that there should be a sign stamped on my forehead forewarning guys that this girl comes with a lot of baggage. ”please be patient  and kind with her and love her and she will be the best girlfriend ever and eventually open up and finally show her true self. with and with out the hijab. 
okay bye

good morning guys

i weighed myself. im 132. 

great

gained 2 lbs

i bet it was those 8 chessman cookies i binged on 

anyway im just going to pretend not to care and stay calm and watch scrubs with my bae zach braff

and eat coffee and Nutella toast. 

afraid to eat

literally afraid to eat because i weighed myself this morning and i weighed 130.6 which is fucking awesome and i dont want to screw it up. 

so far today i had

high fiber oatmeal packets-160 and a dab of butter

coffee with cream 

4 tangerines 

1 plum

zero calorie sparkling water

STUPID FUCKING FRITOS (160- the small bag)

and my sister is making falafel for dinner and later the fam are going to make smores. im so mortified. falafel you have to fry them in fattening oil. and smores…. let me not even go there

next week going on the master cleanse. even tho I still will be fasting.